dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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