How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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