if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
