just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
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