I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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