Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
