Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
