I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
