i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize