and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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