New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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