So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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