11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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