Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
