well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
