Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
