Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You took a bar mat shot.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
