I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize