wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
