Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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