I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize