My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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