I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
