life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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