i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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