I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
