i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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