why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
