Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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