just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
