i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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