i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize