On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
