I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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