smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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