I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
