My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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