he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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