Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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