pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
