I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
