it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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