I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
