i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
