Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
