WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize