I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
