Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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