I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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