I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
