I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
