you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Houston, we have a squirter
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize