he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
