So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
