i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
