i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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