This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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