my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
