she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
