i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
