That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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