I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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