How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
