I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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