its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
