why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
