i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
