Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
