and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
