Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
