he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
