One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
