Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
